What is The Antifragile Dad? A 10-Bullet Manifesto
You want to be fire and wish for the wind.
The part of becoming a father that no one tells you about is the tidal wave of new shit thrown at you.
Or maybe they did tell you and you just ignored them.
Either way, as single men and young husbands, we convince ourselves that our lives are oh-so difficult. Full of trials and tribulations. Habits are hard. Career advancement is hard. Being healthy and fit is hard. Reading is hard. Keeping up with friends is hard. Being a good partner is hard. 😭
It’s not long after the moment that your beautiful little son or daughter makes their exo-womb debut that you realize just how utterly delusional you were. The trials and tribulations that before had been such stressors don’t go away.
Oh no, dear friend.
The challenges remain. It’s just the adjective used to describe their difficulty gets shifted from hard to something else.
Something like fucking impossible.
Habits are fucking impossible! Career advancement is fucking impossible! Being healthy and fit is fucking impossible! Reading is fucking impossible! Keeping up with friends is fucking impossible! Being a good husband is fucking impossible! 🚨
Plus add your new uber-responsibility of being of parent, and you’ve planted yourself the seed of a mid-life crisis.
And so, when staring down this tidal wave of new pressures & challenges, you have two options:
(You bet your ass I’m turning this into a Matrix metaphor)
Option 1 (The Blue Pill): You let the surge of pressures & challenges wash you away over time. You become more cynical, more angry. Less connected, less happy. You throw your hands up and capitulate. You crave escape and find your happiness in short, artificial dopamine rushes. You view this as a time in your life you simply need to “get through”. Time flies and before you know it, your wish is granted; those years are over. You’ve “gotten through”. And you’re left with…what?
We’ve all seen dads that have chosen Option 1. I hear dads in my life talk like this every day. And not for a second do I fault them. Option 1 is the default in our world.
But, as Morpheus offered, there’s another way. Option 2. The red pill.
Option 2 (The Red Pill): You use the surge of pressures & challenges to fuel your growth into a stronger, happier, more successful, more loving father and human. You greet the stressors of fatherhood with a toothy grin and open arms. You have no desire to escape to anywhere because…why would you want to escape such a wonderful life? A life filled with such incredible magic. A life filled with opportunity after opportunity to learn, grow and love in ways you never imagined possible just a few years ago?
After hearing way too many young dads start to talk like Blue Pill dads, I felt like I needed to do something.
And it was especially after hearing my own thoughts start to tip-toe in that direction, that I knew I needed to do something.
To create something that would serve as a bulwark against this poisonous mindset. A mindset that has, for generations, turned fathers into shells of themselves (we’ve all seen those men).
And so, The Antifragile Dad was born.
It takes another tack. Specifically, the exact opposite tack.
The term antifragile, coined by Nassim Nicholas Taleb in his popular book, is defined as:
“Becoming more robust when exposed to stressors, uncertainty, or risk.”
It is the opposite of fragile. One where you become stronger when challenged. Where stressors become your fuel instead of your folly.
And with the tidal wave of shit thrown at you in fatherhood, what better realm to apply it?
Plus, aside from being very applicable in this chapter of life, it’s a hugely powerful way to go about living in general.
One of my favorite quotes from Taleb’s book:
“You want to be the fire and wish for the wind.”
To take the increased pressure on your time, the unexpected emergencies, the physical and emotional demands of being a father in the modern world - and use them as fuel for the fire of your life.
Powerful.
And so through the content and community of this project, it’s my mission to create a foundation for any dad who wants to become more antifragile in their own life.
You can expect weekly newsletters, a group with regular meetings + (in the future) an audio/video component.
For now, I’ve created the first draft of The Antifragile Dad 10-Bullet Manifesto below. I expect it to be adjusted over time, but it provides strong direction for the type of father and human we aspire to be.
We’re also building The Antifragile Dad into a community. There’s not enough of that kind of stuff for dads. If you feel the same, join us.
The Antifragile Dad: 10-Bullet Manifesto
He does hard things and grows stronger with each challenge.
He grows more loving when others grow cynical, angry, or frustrated.
He follows his unique path, comparing himself to no one.
He seeks and builds community.
He elevates those who come into contact with him.
He understands feelings are not truths, seeing frustration, sadness, and anger as steps on his journey.
He leads and has the courage to be disliked, acting in line with his morals and ethics regardless of popular opinion.
He is emotionally steady, living each day with calm, joy, and agency.
He is committed to internal integrity.
He is committed to instilling an antifragile mindset in his children, teaching them to love action, mistakes, and learning.
—
Some notes & questions:
Can antifragility be taken too far?
Yes. The definition of being antifragile is that you need stressors and risk to thrive. And while I think it’s healthy to leverage both the stressors that exist in your life + the stressors that exist in hard endeavors, there’s a limit. You don’t want to hope for horrible things to happen (obviously). You just want to be prepared if they do.
I’ve taken some liberties with my interpretation of the word antifragile that Taleb might balk at. I’ve decided to use it in the way I view as most beneficial for our mission of transforming how men view fatherhood.